its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
