I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
