The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
