I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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