Your tits are I can't wait for
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
