Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
