someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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