I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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