I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
