I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
