Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
