So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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