Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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