So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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