My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
