hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
