so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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