to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
