I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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