great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
