Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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