I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize