Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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