He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
