I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
