Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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