i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
