the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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