Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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