smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Your dad touched me again.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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