just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
