I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
