Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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