we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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