I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
