Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
