I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize