Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
