So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
