i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Randomize
