I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
