Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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