Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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