Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
