Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
