The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
