now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
