I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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