You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We just shotgunned beers for America
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize