I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The beers last night were like the tears from god
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
