Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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