God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
