If that was your dad, he is hot
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
