i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
