I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize