I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
