so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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