I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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