I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
