i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
