What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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