a queef is a wish your heart makes.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
